


This Avatar Business Is Kind Of Fucked.

by StarReads



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-Typical Worms (The Magnus Archives), Elias is a bastard but he's hot sksksks, Elm meddles in other peoples love lives, Fix It Fic, Gen, I swear this won't turn into a chatfic, I'm lying, Jon and Martin WILL communicate, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Multi, My Ocs play smaller parts and basically watch canon, Original Character-centric, POV Original Character, Sort Of, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trans Character, a lot of stuff changes because I Said So, the avatar gang rises up, this is written like a transcript because I need to practice dialouge.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26196805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarReads/pseuds/StarReads
Summary: Elmer Chester is an 'ordinary' man.Just kidding. He's an avatar of the Eye, an unwilling witness to the bullshit that is the Magnus Institute's inner workings.At least it pays well.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, OC/OC, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Recording #0

**Author's Note:**

> Quick Notes for the fic.
> 
> -Tim and Sasha will live, god damn it.   
> -This is...basically a light-hearted rewrite of canon. The stakes will still exist and I may cause chaos, but this is what I imagine a horror workplace-comedy to be like.  
> -PAY ATTENTION TO CHAPTER TITLES. THE RECORDING NUMBER WILL TELL YOU WHERE THE TAPE SITS IN THE TIMELINE.   
> -The first 3 chapters will be set pre-canon as sort of a glimpse into who Elm was. You'll get more past tapes at a later date. Consider this an appetizer.

Date: January 7th, 2003

_ Recording Begins. _

E: Hello? Is this on? Oh, yes, I can see the light now. 

E: Um...so, my uh...I guess she's my sister? Not by blood but that's what she calls herself, so I guess I'll call her that too. Um, she gave me a tape recorder! For my birthday!

E: Which was today. Uh, January 7th? Yeah. today. And she said I should try...recording myself. With it. Like a diary, but with audio! 

E: She said it'd be "Good practice". Not sure what that means, exactly, but Marielle has always been a little odd...

E: Anyway, I suppose I should start with...my name? 

E: I guess...I guess I should, huh?

_ Silence.  _

E: ....I don't like it. My name. It's bad. It makes me feel funny. 

E: It isn't even a very nice name. It's boring. Mum said I have to use it, though. I wish everyone would just call me Elm like I asked. Elm is a cool name. 

_ In the background, a cat begins to meow.  _

E: Mum said I'm not allowed because it's a boy's name. But who decides that, anyways? It's a stupid rule. 

E: ...This is my diary. So I'm Elm here. That settles it. My uh...my recording, my rules! 

E: That sounds horrible, my god. Like something out of a bad sitcom. 

_ The cat becomes louder. The door rattles. _

E: ...One second. Mr. Whiskers, knock that off!

_ Footsteps, and then a door opens. Elm returns to the recorder, arms now full with a softly purring cat. _

E: Sorry. Mr. Whiskers wanted attention. He's a real brat about that. 

E: Anyway, uh...I guess I should talk about today. My uh, friends came by for my birthday! Kiva, and Bailey, and Robbie...not Stacey. Stacey said she'd slug me if I asked her to come to anymore of my 'stupid parties'.

E: Not sure why she's so cross with me. The wolves didn't even touch her! 

E: We played games. Dad and Mum let me pick the boardgames this time! We played Scattergories and Candyland and Life. We tried to play Uno but Mr. Whiskers kept stealing the cards. 

E: And then Marielle came over for dinner, and we got to eat in the living room! Dad made burgers and Mum let us watch...some sort of pirate movie. It had ghosts!

E: And um...yeah, that was today. It was fun. I'm kinda sad that Aaron couldn't join us, but he's only a baby still and Mum said he wouldn't like all the noise. 

E: But it was fun!

_ More quiet. Mr. Whiskers purrs louder. _

E: I got gifts, of course. Marielle got me the uh, tape recorder...I already said that. My parents got me some of the books I've been wanting and a couple cds! Oh, and the necklace.

E: Robbie made me this really cool wax figure! It looks just like me. And Bailey made me a bracelet! 

E: Kiva...she brought me this really pretty rock. It looked weird at first till we split it open! It looks like it has stars on the inside.

E: She called it a...geo? Geode? Yeah, a geode. 

E: It was nice!

E: They're all really nice. 

E: But um, I guess, it wasn't all good.

E: ....My uncle came over.

_ Elm goes very quiet and still. Mr. Whiskers meows gently for a bit.  _

E: The thing is still following him.

E: He says it's his wife, my aunt, but it doesn't look human.

E: It's face is...

_ Static begins to grow stronger. _

E: Made of...paper. It looks like a bad drawing brought to life. And I can't hear it speak. Everyone just assumes it's speaking and saying things but it's not. 

E: That's not my aunt. And no one will believe me.

E: But um, anyways, I should go now. I'll...make another tape later.

_ Silence. _

E: ....I think you're listening to me, right now. Mari...Marielle? 

E: I can...feel you. Watching me.

E: It's weird. But um, hope your new job is going well. Talk to you soon. 

_ Recording Ends. _


	2. Recording #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Statement of: Bailey Cooper  
> Regarding: Spiders  
> Taken: January 9th, 2003.  
> Recorded by: ????  
> Subject and Speaker recorded unknowingly.  
> Associated Entity: The Web.  
> Subject under slight duress. [REDACTED] was clumsy this time. Must be more patient with him. No one masters compulsion in a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: SPIDERS, BODY HORROR, COMPULSION, IMPLIED/REFERENCED CHILD ABUSE, REFERENCED SPOUSE ABUSE, MURDER.

_Recording Begins_

E: ....So?

B: So what, [Elm]? What is it? I'm a little busy here.

E: Do you...have one? A story, I mean. For me. You...you usually do.

B: A story?! I am currently removing shards of bone from your limbs and you want me to tell you a story?! What are you, five?

E: I'm 11. You know that already?

B: It was...ugh, nevermind. I'm not gonna tell you a fairytale, kid.

E: ...Don't call me kid. You're not that much older than me.

B: I'm three whole years older.

E: No you're not! You're only 2 years, 6 months, 8 days, and 11 minutes older.

B: ...Why on Earth do you know that?

E: It...I wasn't asking for a fairytale, anyway. I mean...a story. Like the one with the uh...what did you call it? The Door That Leads To Nothing and Everything?

B: Oh. Why...do you want to hear more about things like that? I thought you hated scary stuff?

E: ...I hate movies. And books. But that's because they're boring. They never scare me.

B: ...You're a weird kid, [Elm]. But fine. Guess I have been wanting to talk about it...just, it's hard. Very hard.

E: It? What is it?

B: The Spiders that live on my stairwell-I...what?

E: Bailey?

B: ....

E: Bailey, are you okay?

B: I didn't...really mean to tell you that. Whatever, too late now.

E: So your story is about...spiders?

B: Spiders.

E: What about the spiders?

B: I...look, I don't know if it's a very good story.

E: Maybe start from the very beginning?

B: Okay. I guess it started...uh, it started when I...

_The audio recording begins to break up._

E: When you?

B: When my family and I moved into our new house, out near Morden. My grandmother had just passed away and left the house to my mother. Mum thought it would be a chance for us to...restart. She wanted us to be happy, I think.

B: Dad didn't want to move that far away from his job but rent in London is so expensive...I think he was swayed by that, in the end.

B: I remember when we first arrived, I thought the house was alright. It looked normal enough, if a bit old. The windows were the only thing I noticed as being a little odd. They were covered in cobwebs, even though Grandma had only been dead for a few months and she never would have allowed them into the house. Never really got that one, actually. Spiders aren't...bad, just a bit creepy. Creepy doesn't always mean evil.

B: I still don't think spiders are evil.

B: For the first few weeks, while we got settled in, everything was...normal. Dad went to work every morning, and so Mum and I just unpacked. Mum was supposed to be working, I think, but she never went into the office. I don't actually know what she does. She said something about market speculation...I wasn't listening.

B: I cleaned all the windows in the house. The cobwebs were there but I couldn't find any spiders. I looked, tore up several rooms full of dusty furniture and yet not once did I find a spider. Yet every morning there would be new webs in all the places I'd cleaned before. It was infuriating. I don't even like spiders, but I just...I had to see them. To know what kind and how many there were and just...to know. 

B: The spiders stayed hidden for a whole month. Mum never mentioned the cobwebs in the windows. She saw them, I knew, because she would stare at them sometimes. I asked Dad, but he just shouted at me about wasting his time. He got really mad, told me that if I was so worried about spiders I should dust more. 

B: A thing to know about my Dad is he hated spiders. They creeped him out and he flew into a violent rage whenever he saw one. I'd seen him kill spiders I would never dare approach without even batting an eye. Mum never minded them that much but at our old flat she used to check obsessively for their webs. Said she'd rather not deal with the fuss.

B: Not that he didn't fuss enough as it was. Nothing was ever good enough for him. He used to tell me he felt like the only intelligent person in the whole world. I...well, I don't think Mum appreciated that very much. But, uh, back to the spiders.

B: When I spotted them in the stairwell, for the first time, there were only two. One was big and fat and hairy and the other was barely the size of my nail. I thought it was odd, how they were coexisting. The big one should have eaten the little one. But I was just glad to see there were actual spiders in the house, it meant I wasn't going nuts. I didn't touch them, but I let them be. No point in killing them if they weren't harming anyone.

B: But then more of them came. It seemed that after I had noticed the first two, that there were more and more and more of them. It was honestly strange. There weren't a lot of bugs around the house to eat. It...I was scared of what it was they were eating. I kept dreaming of...spiders, hundreds and thousands of them, slowly eating rotten...corpses, screaming wriggling masses of flesh and bones and face and...I don't...It was just...it hurt, to watch, but they never let me go until there was nothing left but bones. 

B: I woke up screaming, after those dreams. But I...it wasn't the spiders. That scared me, I mean. It was the feeling in the back of my throat like I had just swallowed something warm. I remember coughing until it felt like if I coughed anymore my lungs would come up with the air. My Dad hated me for it, waking him up in the middle of the night. Then again, he hated everyone. Especially my mother and I.

E: Why...does he hate you?

B: Because we're not what he wanted. He wanted to be successful and have the perfect family and the white picket fence and the dream job and the perfect daughter and all these things that we were not. He resented his dead-end job and he resented his boring, normal family and he especially hated that Mother made more money than him.

_Static begins to overtake the recording_

B: He hates us and he...he...STOP.

_The static abruptly ends._

E: I- what?

B: Stop it. I don't know what you were doing but stop it. Please. I don't want...I don't want to talk about that anymore. 

E: ....I'm sorry. I...wasn't trying to make you tell me. 

B: It's...fine, just don't...don't do that again.

E: I won't. I promise.

B: Well...okay. Uh, so I guess all that was to say, when the biggest spider I had ever seen crawled up my arm, I wasn't all that shocked. It was even a bit...friendly looking. Nice, maybe. Like it wanted to help me with something.

B: I saw that particular spider all the time. It followed me around the house...speaking to me, somehow. It was...kind. When Mum struggled it always knew how to help her.

B: It comforted me when Dad...nevermind. But it, it...was nice to me. It _liked_ me. 

B: It was my friend. And I trusted it. Silly, I know, but I did. It was consistent. I was so...comforted by its presence, I didn't notice the webs crawling up the bedside table and wrapping around my bed, covering everything. Or the webs that made their way into my mouth as I slept. I notice them now, but I think...it's a little late to do anything about it. 

B: I shouldn't have listened, when it told me to hide at the top of the stairwell that night. The house was dark, but it was not silent. There was...screaming. Wailing. Glass shattering. The familiar sound of my Mum hitting...no. I won't give you details. Don't...want to scare you, kid.

B: I listened to my Dad, screaming and tossing things around the room. Until finally he stopped and all that was left was the sobbing of my Mum from their room. Then I heard the door open, and Dad began to come towards the stairs.

B: ...

E: Bailey?

B: I killed him, [Elm]. 

E: ....I'm sorry, what?

B: I was...so tired. Of all of it. Of him. And then that spider crawled onto my arm again, the one I trusted. I had named him Mr. Whittaker, for...reasons. He was a character in a book I really liked when I was little, it's irrelevant.

B: But...Mt. Whittaker, he told me that I could get rid of him. That it would help my mother, and didn't I want to help my mother? Didn't I want to stop being afraid of my own home? Didn't I want him gone?

B: I wanted him gone. It sounds so wrong, he's my Dad, but he...I couldn't just stand by and let him keep doing whatever he wanted, getting his way and being cruel to everyone else because he felt better than them.

B: I just wanted the screaming to stop, [Elm]. I'm not a violent person, I'm a good kid, I just..I just couldn't take it anymore. 

_Bailey is crying now. Her voice breaks up as she says the next part._

B: So I stood up, even though my legs felt like jelly and just as Dad was making his way down the stairs, I leaped from behind him and pushed and pushed and pushed until he fell over. 

B: ....I have never heard a worse sound in my life than the crack of my father's skull on the wood floor. I wanted to check on him, but Mr. Whittaker told me to go to my room and wait 'till morning. And I did. What else was there to do?

_Silence, except for crying. Elm shifts to move and is slapped._

B: Don't move you jerk! I'm not done with your leg!

E: Sorry. I just...are you okay?

_Bailey chokes up._

B: They found his body in the morning. The official report says he was drunk and tumbled down the stairs. Standard death for a man like him, I think. The police didn't really seem to care all that much. They were eager to leave. 

B: The only odd thing about the scene were the cobwebs over his back, where my hands had been. 

B: They...don't know about me pushing him, obviously. Mum...I think she knows. But she doesn't...say anything. Barely even mentions the spiders in my hair and bookbag and all over the house now.

B: It's been six months. The house feels safe now that he's gone, but I still...I...

_Bailey goes quiet for about thirty seconds._

B: ...Do you think I'm evil, [Elm]?

_Silence. The static finally fades completely_.

E: ...No. You're not evil. You did what you felt was right. And I can't say what I'd have done, so I can't judge you. 

B: ....Thank you.

E: It's no problem. Um, about the spiders...

B: Mr. Whittaker is in your backpack. He crawled in there shortly before that...thing attacked us. The rest don't have names. 

E: Oh. No, I was going to ask what they'd been eating. 

B: I don't...think they eat. 

B: Or if they do, it's when I'm asleep.

E: Well, uh, pass me my bag? I should let Mr. Whittaker out.

_Shuffling is heard. The zipper of the bag is tough, and it takes three hard yanks to open it._

E: A-ah. Hello, um...sir? It's nice to meet you-

E: My...tape recorder? 

B: Huh?

E: It's on. In my bag. I didn't even bring it with me!

B: Turn it...off.

E: Yeah...yeah, good idea. 

_Recording Ends._

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elm's first little statement :D
> 
> Except, he doesn't call them statements. But the idea is there!
> 
> Bailey is a recurring character, and so is Mr. Whittaker who we love :)


	3. Recording #1.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marielle chimes in with her findings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter the actual story begins :)))

Date: January 11th, 2003

_Recording Begins._

M: Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

M: Two tapes later and I've already learned so much. This was a wonderful idea. I'll have to thank her. 

M: Elm's progress is promising. That necklace may be speeding things along somewhat, but he's already Knowing things, and that's a good sign. 

M: I suppose if he Knows about Aunt Penny, I'll have to remove her. A pity, really. She's a fun specimen to study. 

M: I'll have to think up a distraction for Uncle Justin. Wouldn't want him grieving and distracting my baby brother. 

M: Speaking of my baby brother, him sensing me Watching is a great sign. It took me years to do that myself.

M: Then again, I started much later in life than he did. His brain is far more malleable than mine was. Easier to shape and change than it would be otherwise.

M: It does complicate things, I suppose. He'll be less forthcoming with information if he thinks I'm watching him. 

M: No matter. I have ways to get around that.

_Static begins to corrupt the audio._

M: Perhaps I should pay that Bailey girl a visit. 

M: Though, if those spiders are what I think they are...

M: Well, I'd rather not piss off the Mother of Puppets myself. Too many variables. 

M: I suppose, for now, I'll simply keep Watch and-

_A door opens in the background._

L: Um, Marielle? The boss wants to see you. 

_Marielle's voice rises several octaves into a syrupy, cheerful tone._

M: I'll be right there, Liam!

L: Ah...okay. 

_Footsteps lead away from the recording._

M: I need to go. 

_Recording Ends._


	4. Recording #937

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first Canon-era recording.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this Chapter:
> 
> -Mention of spiders
> 
> -Foul language
> 
> -Elm is vvvv hostile towards Tim in this one folks. He lowkey slut shames him.
> 
> -Internalized...issues with sex/sexuality.
> 
> -Mentions of religion

Date: May 11th, 2018

_Recording Begins._

E: I hate all my coworkers already.

_A pause. Something drops and Elm curses loudly._

E: Marielle I know you're listening, I'm begging you to fucking kill me.

E: I've been here for 13 days and I already hate everyone here.

E: I didn't sign up for this shit. Half of my coworkers were in research! None of these fuckers have a degree in any relevant fields!

E: Okay, Sasha does, and it's bullshit she's not the boss. From what I've seen she is very qualified compared to...Jon? I think his name is Jon.

E: What I mean is, Tim fucking Stoker and his Anthropolgy degree have no business working in a god damn archive.

_Silence except for static that sounds a bit like...laughing?_

E: Oh you stop that, Mari. I Know what you're thinking. I have half a mind to remove the listening device from this recorder and be done with you.

E: My...personal issues with Tim is NOT why I'm mad that he's my coworker. I don't even CARE about that. Robbie can do what he wants.

E: I just was hoping for a little more professionalism, that's all. I don't need to work with a...with that fucking clown.

E: Sorting through patently false statements is not my idea of a good time. And it is not helping that Tim won't shut the fuck up and let me think.

E: God, if rent in London wasn't so expensive...

E: Well, regardless, at least it's not all bad.

E: This seems to be the only spot in the Archives where I can record my voice without issue. At least with everyone being 'busy', no one comes into the breakroom.

_Silence. And then Elm sighs loudly._

E: And I spoke too soon. Someone's coming this way. You just...sit in the bag for now. Do not scare off the spider this time. Bailey was pissed at me and I do not need the drama.

_The door to the break room opens._

M: Ah, Elmer! This was where you ran off to. Sasha was actually-

E: Looking for me? I know. I told her I'd have the details from the justice department by noon, didn't I?

M: Well, yes, but she-

E: Can wait, Martin. Unlike Tim, my contacts do actually require proper compensation.

M: Well, I suppose I understand that. What case were you looking into, anyway?

E: That case with...the hearts on the wall? Statement number...bloody hell, what was the statement number? Nevermind, doesn't matter. Taking a break?

M: Oh, um, yes, a small one. Thought I'd make some tea.

E: Well, have fun with that.

_Silence as Martin moves around the small breakroom. Elm taps lightly on the countertop, thinking._

M: Are you on break right now, Elmer?

E: Elm. Just Elm is fine.

M: Oh, um, sorry Elm.

E: No need to apologize. I'm not...on break I just....needed to step out of the room for a moment. Hard to think in there.

_This next line is said beneath his breath, low enough that Martin can't hear._

E: Hard to See in there too.

M: Sorry?

E: It was nothing, Martin. Any idea what Jon is doing in there?

M: Recording one of the difficult statements, I believe.

E: Ah. No wonder it's so quiet in there. Normally Jon would poke his head out every once in a while to ask about something statement related.

E: We should get another hour or so of peace, then.

M: The trickier statements seem to take a lot longer to read than the normal ones, don't they?

E: Yeah, well, I'm not surprised. He's using a tape recorder, and I would hardly consider that modern. I have no clue how it's even running, the thing looks ancient.

M: Old technology is surprisingly sturdy, you know. I still have my old cd player.

_Elm laughs a little._

E: Really? In this day and age?

M: It's a perfectly fine cd player!

E: It's practically stone age technology at this point, Martin.

M: It's vintage.

E: Whatever you say, buddy. You taking some tea to Jon this time?

M: Oh! Yes, of course.

E: Does he even acknowledge you when you bring it up to him?

M: Um...occasionally. Mostly to ask me something about work. But that's to be expected, he is our boss after all.

E: I don't know how you can stand that man, Martin. He's an insufferable prick.

M: He's not that bad. He's just...a little prickly.

E: He's a goddamn cactus.

M: Shhhh! What if he hears you?

E: If he ever stopped working and took a break, I'd drop dead from the shock.

M: There's no need to be rude.

E: Ugh...fine, fine. I'll be 'nice'. Good luck with your tea and our monster of a boss, Martin.

_Martin sighs, just a little._

M: I don't know why you hate him so much. He hardly ever chastises you.

E: It's the principle of the matter. He's underqualified.

_Martin laughs awkwardly._

M: How important are qualifications anyway?

E: Very important. The only reason Sasha isn't the Head Archivist is because our C.E.O. is a sexist, entitled prick.

M: ...Fair. I know she wanted the job. It's a shame, but I mean, what else can you do? It's not like Elias is going to listen to our complaints.

E: Nothing, I suppose. At least Jon doesn't expect us to work overtime.

M: Was that an issue, at your last job?

E: Sort of. It's...complicated. Better hurry or your tea will get cold.

M: Oh! Right. Excuse me.

E: See you, Martin.

Footsteps and the jostling of the bag as Elm retrieves his recorder.

E: Maybe Martin is alright. So that's 2 for 2 on the 'fuck my coworkers' chart so far.

E: Still miffed that one of the bad coworkers is my boss, but what can a man do?

E: I mean, I could quit but I-

E: Don't want to?

E: Whatever. The point is...oh bloody hell, who is it now? Can I get a singular moment to myself in this hellhole?

_The recorder goes back in the bag. There's a noise like something crawling across the mic._

T: Eyyy, Elm, there you are. I was beginning to wonder if you had left.

E: ...Hello, Stoker.

T: Ouch. That's cold. You wound me, Elm.

E: I have not hurt you yet, but if you insist-

T: That was A Joke, please do not actually stab me.

E: Hmmph. You're not very fun.

T: Stabbing me...is fun to you?

E: In theory. If it'd get you to shut up.

T: What have I ever done to you?

E: Do you want that in chronological or alphabetical order?

T: Whatever. Have you seen Martin?

E: Oh, yeah. He just went to bring Jon some tea. A fool's errand, given how fucking prickely that man is. How he puts up with it is a fucking mystery.

T: Martin's just a saint like that. I have no doubt that he probably sees something in Jon that the rest of us don't.

E: Even the kindest person Earth has to have some sort of breaking point. And I honestly can't see why anyone would put up with-

_Elm cuts off and static begins for a good thirty seconds. Elm makes a small, horrified noise._

T: You okay, Elmo?

E: Bloody...fuck off, Stoker.

T: Alright. alright. But seriously, everything good up in Chester land?

E: ...I hope to whatever god is out there that I'm wrong about this. Could Martin...maybe...have a teensy-weensy little...

T: ...Elm don't say it, I'm begging you.

E: Crush on Jonathan Sims?

 _The air grows still. Tim places a cup down on the counter loudly_.

T: Why would you put that out into the universe?

E: Stoker, I'm considering options here.

T: There's no fucking way.

E: ....Okay, but think about it. Really think about it.

T: ....Jon's a lucky bastard.

_Elm coughs unexpectedly._

E: No sympathy at all for poor Martin?

T: Martin will be fine. Obviously he's into the..aloof, judgemental hot professor type.

_Elm scoffs._

E: He's hardly 'hot'.

T: Are you bloody blind?

E: He's average at best, Stoker.

T: Look, I'm not into the man myself but even I have to admit the man is a solid 10.

E: Jon is maybe a 7.

T: Blasphemy. Have you seen the man's hair?

E: Yes. I have. I'm not blind.

T: It makes him look distinguished.

E: It makes him look like my granddad.

T: You had a hot granddad then.

E: Ugh, gross, don't hit on my fucking grandpa, Stoker.

T: I'm just saying! Martin could do worse.

E: He could do better.

T: Alright then, and what do you consider better? Since obviously your taste in men is so superior to our own.

E: I'm not telling you shit, Stoker.

T: No, no, since you wanted to be all judgemental about our Martin's little crush, out with it.

E: Wow, this is a conversation I'd rather not be having.

T: You brought this on yourself, Elm.

E: Can we please just change the subject, Stoker?

T: You see, now I'm getting the sense that there's a reason you're not saying anything...

E: Stoker, are you trying to get me fired for physical altercations in the breakroom?

T: Is your type one of us? Hmmmm?

E: Stoker, I cannot stress this enough, hell fucking no.

T: See! Progress.

E: Ugh, you're horrible.

T: You say that and yet somehow you still hang around me.

E: We work together.

T: Excuses, excuses.

_Elm grumbles._

E: Don't you have some police informant or real-estate agent to be sleeping with?

T: Hey! It's _intel-gathering_.

E: If that's your excuse, more power to you. But you should really stop using company funds for your...business.

T: I get results, don't I?

E: Unfortunately.

T: I certainly get my results faster than you do, anyway. How's that case going? Your informant get back to you yet?

E: Not yet. But these things take time and money and patience, Stoker.

T: I could have gotten what I needed in a day, I guarantee.

E: Perhaps. but the turnover rate on your informants is hardly worth the effort.

T: Yeah, yeah. Y'know Elm, sometimes you sound like Elias.

_Tim's voice rises several octaves and becomes squeaky and mocking_.

T: 'Don't use company funds for your...meetings, Tim. It's inappropriate behavior, Tim.'

E: How _**DARE**_ you compare me to Elias Bouchard. That man is a contemptible degenerate, a crusty-ass motherfucker and _ **I will be his downfall.**_

_The room goes still. You can almost hear the color in Elm's cheeks_.

T: Damn. Didn't know you had it in you.

E: Stoker.

T: Elm.

E: No one will ever believe you.

_Footsteps. The sound of laughter gradually grows quieter. The bag unzips._

E: God, I thought I had those little outbursts under control by now. That was embarrassing. Hopefully Stoker keeps that to himself.

E: ....Elias is a bastard though. Can he hear me down here?

E: Whatever. I should go, that call will arrive soon and if I miss it there'll be hell to pay.

E: Hopefully by the time that's over with Stoker will be out on...'field work'.

_Recording Ends._

Supplementary Notes

[For future investigations. Notes and Research by Marielle Chester. Some help from B.V.]

-The personal issues mentioned by Elm are unrelated to the argument had with Timothy Stoker in this recording.

-The incident in question is in reference to the temporary fling between Robert (Robbie) O'Connor and the aforementioned 'fucking clown'.

-Elm denies that this is his reason for hating Tim, however I can assure the reader that he is very obviously jealous.

-Strong amounts of denial in this one, unsurprisingly. Emotional regulation is a difficult task for Elm. May reconsider my stance on allowing Kiva to interfere with his shoddy excuse for a love life.

-I agree with his assessment of Martin Blackwood and Sasha James. Both appear to be good enough associates for Elm, although I fear Sasha's close relationship with Tim may cause...issues in the future if the business with Robbie is not resolved soon.

-Sasha James may turn out to be a useful ally, if she can survive the first few months as an archival assistant. I'll try my best to combat any major threats, but I cannot guarantee any of them will survive. Not even Elm, though I doubt he'll die considering he has a history of surviving things that should have killed him.

-Martin Blackwood's disposition makes me concerned about his overall safety during fieldwork. He seems far too kind to stay on guard around the...craftier threats. If I had the extra hands, I would send someone to watch him, but as it is I am overworked. May need to get closer to the Archives faster than intended.

-Elias has been an obstacle to getting into that part of the building, and his interference could be detrimental to any investigation into [REDACTED].

-Jonathan Sims appears to be adjusting relatively well. I may begin monitoring what entities he's being exposed to via statements to gauge his progress myself. Elias is planning something with this one, I know it. Why else would he employ one marked by the Mother of Puppets for his Archivist?

-May ask B.V. to look into Jon's connection with her Mother. It may clue us into Elias's motives for choosing him.

-Tim's...methods are unconventional, but Elm's focus on them makes me wonder if there's still some baggage from Catholic school he has yet to fully deal with.

-God help me, I don't want to have to address that with him. I could bring it up with his Mother and Father but...well, Aaron gives them enough trouble as it is. And the last time B.V. offered to 'help', Elm spent a week in Urgent Care.

-Final note: FUCKING HELL SYDNEY, ORGANIZE THE DAMN FILES PROPERLY OR QUIT.


	5. Chat Log #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Which entity ia the least valid? Discuss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I got the year for Season 1 wrong in the last chapter, it's MEANT to be 2016. 
> 
> Warnings: Cursing, body horror, spiders, mentions of the Circus, murder (lmk if I missed anything!)
> 
> I tried to resist the urge to write chatfic chapters. I really did. But the call was too strong and I am a weak man. 
> 
> (YES THERE WILL BE LOGS WITH THE TMA CAST EVENTUALLY. And the next chapter is already finished :D)

Date: Friday, May 11th, 2016  
Filed: Friday, May 12th, 2016.   
Reason for Filing: Discussions of The Institute which may prove useful for future investigations. Also, more evidence for why we should kick Jamie out. 

_Supplementary Notes from Sydney L, Lead Field Investigator for Chester & Vernon Paranormal Detectives, London_.

Chat Names for Future Reference:  
The Queen- Marielle Chester, Lead Detective.   
I Do Not See: Elmer Chester, not affiliated with C&V.   
Bob The Builder: Robert O'Connor, not affiliated with C&V  
Ice Cold: Jack, decontamination specialist. (THIS IS NOT A POSITION. TOSSING PEOPLE INTO THE LONELY ISN'T DECONTAMINATION).  
Lukewarm: Amethyst O'Riley, Detective.   
Spider Bastard: Bailey Vernon, Detective and Legal Department Head. (Does it count as a Head postion if she's the entirety of our legal team?)  
Suffocation: Sydney L., Lead Field Investigator  
Maneater: Jamie, field invesigator. (He doesn't even work here! How the fuck is that his official title?)  
You'll Float Too: Kiva James, field investigator.   
BowlingCore: Cassidy Harlow, Field investigator.   
I Will Kill A Bitch: Emily Fielding, intern for C&V  
The Flesh Has No Rights: Elena H., filing clerk for C&V  
BugLover: Milley Broker, not affiliated with C&V  
A.H.: Aaron Harmond Chester, filing clerk for C&V.  
Also, **fuck off** Marielle my filing system is Perfectly Fine. Take it up with the filing clerks. 

_Log Begins_

  
**The Gang But Make It Freaky ^_^**

Maneater: i want,,, chicken nuggets

Bob The Builder: Dude, sameeeee. 

Bob The Builder: Let's go??? Get some???

Maneater: Hell yeah! Afterwards you can come to one of my shows! 

Bob The Builder: No ❤

I Do Not See: Jamie, no one wants to go to your improv night. 

Maneater: Aw :( Why not? This week has a structured bit too! 

Maneater: Actually, it's really funny, do you want to hear? 

I Do Not See: No.

Maneater: We're going to peel off a man's skin and step into it like a onesie!!!!

Bob The Builder: JAMIE WHAT THE FUCK.

The Queen: J A M I E. 

I Will Kill A Bitch: Did someone say Flesh Suit?

A.H.: Emily I am begging you not to start this shit. 

I Will Kill A Bitch: Awww, but Flesh! Suits! 

Maneater: See, Emily gets it!

You'll Float Too: Jamie that's illegal. 

Maneater: 

Maneater: Kiva.

Maneater: You tossed three men off a bridge yesterday. 

You'll Float Too: They didn't die :( 

Maneater: IT'S ASSAULT? HOW IS MY THING ANY DIFFERENT?

I Do Not See: YOU'RE WEARING THEIR SKIN, JAMIE. 

Suffocation: Look, Avatars kill people that's just how we are. 

I Do Not See: TF? NO? I HAVE NEVER KILLED A MAN. 

BowlingCore: That's why The Eye has no rights <3

I Do Not See: Cassidy I will lock you out of our flat :/

BowlingCore: Lmao when have I ever used doors? 

I Do Not See: The Spiral has no fucking rights

A.H.: Lmao neither does the Eye.

I Do Not See: Stfu Aaron don't make me call Dad.

A.H.: Do it, coward.

The Queen: No fighting. 

The Flesh Has No Rights: Anyway, so today's agenda is once again spreading Anti-Jared Hopworth Propaganda.

Bob The Builder: Who's that?

Suffocation: Bone man. 

Maneater: I have a bone from him! I traded it for some dead guy's liver. Apparently it was good quality. 

Bob The Builder: What kind of bone?

Maneater: Skull. 

You'll Float Too: That's so dramatic lmaoooo

SpiderBastard: You all scare me. 

A.H.: Bailey says that, but I saw her eat a man the other day so I feel like she has no right to do so.

BowlingCore: Awww, Bailey you ate him :( I told you I wanted him!!!!

SpiderBastard: Get your own victims >:( 

I Do Not See: Can we please not kill people? 

SpiderBastard: Lmao no

Ice Cold: God damn it I blocked you all how am I back?

Lukewarm: Did someone say murder? 

I Do Not See: UGH WHO ADDED JACK BACK?!

Bob The Builder; Cassidy. 

Suffocation: Cassie. 

You'll Float Too: Cassidy probably. 

BowlingCore: Me 💫 

Ice Cold: I hate this.

Maneater: Oh, right. Elmo how is work? :D

I Do Not See: PLEASE LET ME KICK JAMIE I AM BEGGING YOU.

SpiderBastard: No, no pissing off The Stranger. I prefer my skin intact. 

TheQueen: Speaking of the stranger, Jamie? The Circus doing alright? 

Maneater; They lost the gorilla skin and now everyone is fighting :/ I'm like 'This is Why I quit.'

BugLover: HEY GUYS!!! FOUND MY PHONE!!!

A.H.: Damn it. 

The Flesh Has No Rights: Shut up Aaron. 

A.H.: ITS A.H. 

BugLover: Cryptic bullshit

Ice Cold: I wish you all would let me die

Lukewarm: >:( No. 

Bob The Builder: Lmao, but seriously Elm how has working the Archives been?

I Do Not See: My coworkers are...okay. 

I Do Not See; My boss is a workaholic and one of my coworkers is annoying and no one besides Sasha is qualified to be here but at least it pays well.

BowlingCore: So glad my flatmate makes good money, rent is so expensive. 

Suffocation: We offer you a salary. You just refuse to take it. 

BowlingCore: Money isn't real.

Lukewarm: Money doesn't matter, we will all die!

Ice Cold: Alone :) 

SpiderBastard: Fuck it, The Lonely has no rights. 

The Flesh Has No Rights: The Lonely has hella rights, people suck ass. 

BugLover: :(

The Flesh Has No Rights; Except you, Queen. 

BugLover: :)

I Will Kill A Bitch: Romance on main? Wack. 

A.H.: Babe,,,, you literally annouced to the groupchat yesterday that you intended to marry me,,, you're such a hippocrite. 

I Do Not See: 'Hippocrite'

TheQueen: 'Hippocrite'

The Flesh Has No Rights: 'Hippocrite'

A.H.: PISS OFFFFFFF.

I Do Not See: Also, also, weird question but why the hell did Elias hire a W*b kinnie to be his archivist?

BowlingCore; Ewwwww, the W*b. 

SpiderBastard: GUYS COME ON-

Maneater: Maximum chaos, maybe? W*b kinnies are problem causers. 

You'll Float Too: lmao W*b Kinnies. 

SpiderBastard: Why are you guys so MEAN?

I Do Not See: Pack it up Charlotte's Web.

SpiderBastard: Blocked. 

Maneater: Elias be up to something, lmao I should get Nikki and the gang to interfere.

BugLover; NICKI MINAJ? 

Ice Cold: Hate that. Delete your facebook. 

BugLover: No 💞

TheQueen: Shouldn't you be in school?

A.H.: Ditching. 

I Will Kill A Bitch: We're skiving off to go get burgers and chips. 

The Flesh Has No Rights: Cant believe I'm the responsible one. 

You'll Float Too: You're,,, on your phone,, right now,,

BugLover: Shhhh, let her have this. 

TheQueen: Elm, have you managed to talk to Elias since you were hired? 

I Do Not See: Only at my interview. Honestly, a little surprised I got the job. He didn't seem to like me much.

Bob The Builder: Well, you got major rbf so I wouldn't blame him.

SpiderBastard: It'd be more insulting if El*as liked you tbh

I Do Not See: True dat. 

I Do Not See: Honestly, I wanna fuck with him but I need this job :/

BowlingCore: Put frogs in his office :D

Suffocation: No, no, put a cursed object in his office.

I Do Not See: i said PRANK not MURDER.

I Will Kill A Bitch: I mean,,, killing him would solve all our problems,,,

I Do Not See: No. No murder.

I Do Not See: HOLY SHIT I COULD RELEASE SPIDERS IN HIS OFFICE.

SpiderBastard: EXCELLENT IDEA. HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?

Maneater: Ooooh, good ol' spider bombings. 

I Do Not See: Many :D

Ice Cold: This is hilarious. How do I leave a groupchat?

Lukewarm: Baby, click the three dots at the top and then click leave. 

Ice Cold: Thank you. 

BowlingCore: Boooooo you whore. 

You'll Float Too: Eh, we'll add him if we need him. 

Maneater: Oh, my package arrived! :D

BowlingCore: What'd you buy?

Maneater: Mirror that eats people. 

Suffocation: STOP BUYING HAUNTED OBJECTS JAMIE.

Maneater: No. :D

TheQueen: Back to work, everyone. 

You'll Float Too: Fine, fine. 

Bob The Builder: The library is so boringggg

Bob The Builder: Lmao what if I come down to the Archives-

I Do Not See: Do Not. 

Bob The Builder: :/

SpiderBastard: Have a good day everyone.

SpiderBastard: CASSIDY, THAT REPORT IS DUE TODAY. 

BowlingCore: Fuck. 

Suffocation: Lmaooo get on that.

Maneater: Robbbb I'm coming to get you lets go eat

Bob The Builder: Got it, let me talk to my boss and take my break. 

Maneater: Chicken nugg time. 

Suffocation: Okay, muting the chat until everyone has finished work for the day. 

_Log Ends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all the original characters. Aside from Bailey, Marielle, Elm and Robbie, they won't crop up much in the plot. Next chapter: More office bullshit, and then we get to everyone's favorite plot point: Worms :D


	6. Recording #938

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subject: The Office gets a new employee (Spoilers: Jon won't like him when they meet.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNINGS: Spiders, mentions of eye-related trauma, cursing, brief mentions of snakes. 
> 
> Alt. Title; Elm accidentally releases ticking timebomb into the archives.

Date: Tuesday, May 15th, 2016

_ Recording Begins. _

S: And then the bloody creep had the  **AUDACITY** to ask for my number.

T: No way. He says that and then thinks he has the right to hit on you? Horrible. 

S: Men these days have no class, Tim. I'm basically wading through filth just for the  **CHANCE** of meeting a decent man. 

T: Well, I'm sure you'll pick up some nice man eventually. You deserve it. 

S: Yeah, yeah. How was your date?

T: It was a  _ business _ meeting. 

S: Tim.

T: Alright, alright. It went fine. She's a nice lady, had a weird obsession with snakes, but I suppose that isn't the craziest thing a date of mine has mentioned. 

S: At least she wasn't boring. I've dated men with less personality than a tin can.

T: I know Sasha. I was there for Trevor. 

S: Oh my god, don't mention Trevor. It was a desperate time, Tim. 

T: Desperate enough to date a man with the personality of a shoestring? 

_ Sasha begins to laugh. _

S: Stop! My god that's awful.

_ Suddenly there's a loud thumping noise.  _

E: How the hell do I keep losing my god damn pens? My lord, it's like my desk is eating them! 

T; A desk that eats pens? Might want to take it down to artefact storage, give a statement about it.

_ Tim's voice breaks off into an amused chuckle. _

E: Ugh, piss off Stoker.

S: Elmer. 

E: Sorry, sorry. But seriously, the fuck happened to all of my pens?

S: Have you checked under your papers? 

E: Oh. Um, one second.

_ Shuffling, and then a loud sigh. _

E: I swear they weren't there a second ago. 

S: You feeling okay? Not getting sick are you?

E: I'm perfectly fine, just blind apparently. 

T: Happens to the best of us.

E: Yeah, yeah. Now where is the one I was looking for..really should get around to color-coding these things.

S: Why do you have so many pens?

E: I use different pens for different things. I'm trying to find my signing pen...there it is! Okay, let's get this form signed...

T&S: Signing pen? 

E: Yes? Don't you all have a pen for signing forms?

S: I think that's a you thing, Elm.

E: What? No, I can't be the only one who does this. You can't just use any pen to sign a document!

T: Yes you can? 

E: Absolutely not! Like, you can't just use a ballpoint pen for something official!

S: Elm...a pen is a pen. 

E: It is not! Ballpoint pens are for notes, fountain pens are for documents and signatures, gel pens are for lists...you get the idea. 

T: Elm, I hate to say this, but that sounds...a bit odd. 

E: It's a perfectly normal way to use pens! What kind of loon signs documents with, with, with a fucking gel pen! 

T: It's not that deep, Elm.

E: It might not be, but by God I've got a shovel and I'm going to dig! 

_ Sasha and Tim both laugh a little. _

S: Okay, okay, we get it. Pen type and quality is important. Just don't lend Tim any of them, you'll never get it back.

T: You lose one pen!

S: 14 pens. You're a pen thief, Timothy Stoker.

T: Well, Sasha James, maybe you should stop lending me pens. 

S: And watch you write on legal documents in crayon? 

T: That was one time! I was hungover! It was ages ago!

S: It was  _ yesterday _ . 

T: Shhhhh! I don't need our boss hearing that!

S: Worried he'll fire you? 

T: Rent in London is bloody expensive, Sasha. 

E: Amen to that. 

S: At least you have a roommate, Elm. 

E: I hardly see her enough to count her as a roommate. If she wasn't paying rent I'd wonder if she even still lived in our flat.

T: You have a roommate?

E: As I just said, yes I do. 

T: What's she like?

E: I dunno, she's nice enough I suppose. I hardly ever see her. She doesn't like staying in one place for too long, fancies herself an adventurer. 

S: I had a roommate like that in uni. Is she the sort of person to use 'wanderlust' in all her bios?

E: Probably. I don't follow her anywhere, we don't have anything in common. 

_ Someone enters the room.  _

M: Did anyone else want some tea?

T: I'll take a cup. 

S: Me too if you wouldn't mind. 

M: Alright. Elm?

E: Thank you for the offer, but I'll have to decline. 

E: Has anyone managed to track down that witness from Statement number 02104006? 

S: Not yet. She's not really popping up in any of the usual places.

M: Wasn't Jon sure that one was a hoax anyhow?

E: Jon thinks everything's a hoax. 

T: So you believe the statement giver?

E: Of course not. The haunted washing machine hardly matches with any known esoteric phenomena and the statement giver contradicts herself constantly. But Jon's opinion on the credibility of the statement is hardly my first consideration.

S: Harsh.

E: He's too green, Sasha. I'm sure we're all well aware of who should have been chosen to be Archivist. 

_ Everyone is quiet, for a while.  _

S: Honestly, I'm thinking of just finding a different job. There's not a lot of room for upward mobility in the Institute, you know? 

E: I would do the same, but the Institute's resources...

T: Yeah, the resources. Where else are you going to find statements on...

_ Paper shuffles. _

T: The cat that was definitely actually an alien? 

_ Everyone laughs. _

E: Do we need to bother giving that to Jon? 

S: No, I think he's recording anyways. Toss it in the discredited pile to be recorded later.

T: Will do-

E: Do not just toss it! My god, it's like you want files to get lost. 

T: Right. Let me gently place the statement about the alien cat on the pile of similarly bogus statements.

E: Stoker-

M: Do you think Jon would like some tea? 

_ Elm startles, and a thud is heard as his bag falls from the back of his chair. _

E: God, sorry, Martin, I didn't see you leave. 

T: You really are blind.

E: Look, it's not my fault God fucked me over by giving me shitty eyes. 

M: If you don't mind me asking, are you near or far sighted?

E: Both. 

S: ...Is that even possible?

E: Yeah, it's called being nearly blinded like six times as a kid. 

T: Sounds about ri- wait, what?

E: I was a problem child.

M: Sounds um...interesting?

E: You sort of get used to it, you know. Oh, right. Does Jon even drink the tea you bring him, Martin?

M: Sometimes. Usually only if I manage to squeeze in there when he's not reading. 

T: He gets so caught up in those statements, I swear. It's like he goes deaf to the world.

S: Some people just get like that when they're reading. I had a friend nearly walk right off the platform once, since she was all wrapped up in some book. 

E: Glad she didn't fall, would have given her a nasty shock. 

T: Yeah, the experience would have been electrifying. 

E: Wait...god damn it, that wasn't a pun!

T: Sounded like it. 

E: I do not make puns! 

T: Sure, sure. Well, I'm out. Have a bit of field work to do. 

M: Have a safe trip, Tim.

S: Yeah. Try not to fall into any haunted washing machines.

_ Tim laughs. _

T: Don't worry, I'll stay clear of any household appliances that look a little spooky. 

_ Tim walks off.  _

S: Well, back to work everyone. Elm, how's the signing?

E: I've finished.

M: What are you signing, actually? Did we need some sort of release form for an investigation?

E: No, no. We needed access to someone's medical records but the person in question has already passed. So I was just signing a few documents to get them unsealed.

S: I thought you had to be family to get those sorts of things unsealed.

E: Yes. Which is why according to these documents, I am a....Mr. James Walter.

M: Wait. Are you...forging documents?

E: Oh come off it. Sasha regularly illegally accesses online databases and Tim commits identity fraud, but a little bit of forgery is enough to raise concerns?

S: You know what, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. 

M: Well, I'm going to-

_ The door to Jon's office opens suddenly.  _

S: Bloody hell. Jon, you okay? You look a little pale.

J: I'm fine. I just need some air.

M: Ah, Jon. Would you like some tea?

J: Not...not right now, Martin. Get back to work you three.

_ Jon exits the room.  _

S: Well. That was a bit funny, wouldn't you say? 

E: He looks sick. Think that statement was a bit much for him?

S: Maybe. What was it about?

E: Something to do with...huh. I don't remember. 

E: Weird. 

E: Well, I need to mail these off. 

_ The bag opens, and Elm curses. _

E: How the hell did you get in here?

S: Did who get in where?

_ Elm makes a few aborted noises, fumbling for a reasonable explanation. Something in his bag shifts and moves. _

S: BLOODY HELL!

_ Something drops and shatters. _

M: Is that a spider?

E: ....It's uh...yeah. 

_ Elm zips up his bag.  _

E: It's my...friend? 

S: You carry a spider...in your bag. 

E: Not normally?

M: What is their name?

S: Martin?!

M: What? You don't think it's a little...cute?

M: It's a very...gentle looking spider.

E: It's..I call him Webster. 

S: Like Miriam Webster? The dictionary?

E: I...yes, yes. Hey buddy, come here please.

_ The spider makes an odd noise and does not move. _

E: Oh, come on now. Don't be like that. 

_ The spider skitters off. _

S: ...Shit.

M: Um, should we...?

E: If Webster doesn't want to be found, we won't find him.

T: It's just a spider?

E: God, I wish...

E: No one tell Jon there's a small tarantula in his Archives. He will lose it and I am not trying to be fired. 

S: Is it safe?

E: It won't bite you, and even if it did it's venom isn't deadly. It would hurt, but not too terribly. 

M: Ah, well, okay. Back to work?

_ Recording Ends. _

  
  


_ New Recording Begins _

J: So is there a reason you're bothering me right now, Elm?

E: You seem tired.

J: And? 

E: You should take a break. Go home. 

J: No. This Archive's are a mess. I need to keep working on organizing it.

E: You can't work if you drop dead from exhaustion.

J: I am fine, Elm. Get back to work. 

E: Hmmmm...no. 

J: Excuse me? 

E: I'm not leaving. 

J: Elmer. 

E: Jonathan. 

J: I am, in fact, your boss.

E: And I'm your assistant. We're stating the obvious now?

J: Why...are you doing this?

E: It's not healthy to work as much as you do. It's already 6, Jonathan. 

J: ...Ah. It is. 

E: Go home. Sleep.This can wait until tomorrow. 

J: ...Fine. I'm assuming you'll be leaving as well.

E: Yes. I'm going to just clean up a little before I go. See you later.

_ Footsteps.  _

_ Recording Ends.  _

_ New Recording Begins. _

_ The audio is quiet _ .

E: Hopefully I can fins him tonight. I'd hate to leave him over night. 

E: Webster? Webster? Webby?

E: Damn it. 

E: I guess we're stuck with him in the office-

_ Something moves quickly in the background, slamming against the desk. _

E: Fuck! Fuck, what was that?

E: I'm too young to die. 

_ A loud meow rings out around the empty archives.  _

  
  


E: A...cat?

E: MR.WHISKERS? WHAT THE FUCK?

E: I hate my pets. 

_ Recording Ends. _

  
  
  


_ Supplementary Notes _

_ [Notes and Research written and conducted by Cassidy Harlow] _

-Opinion: Elmo is just mean, all his coworkers seem very, very lovely. 

\- The six separate incidents of blinding have been referenced in other files.

-Incidents In Question: Recording #111 a.k.a the incident involving the italian restaurant with the haunted basement, 3 separate incidents involving chemicals in Jamie's lab, Recording #74 involving the Mirror of The Dead (Status: Destroyed), and that time I accidentally went full Spiral right in front of him.

\- Awww, Elm's committing forgery. They grow up so fast.

-I cannot believe he left Webster in that dusty old institute. He's the only W*b kinnie with rights. 

-Except for Mr. Whittaker.

-Mr. Whiskers keeps getting out of the flat somehow. Need to reinforce the door.

-No one believes me but I think his cat is an element of the Spiral. Need to gather evidence.

_ End of Notes.  _

  
  



	7. Chat Log#2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regarding: El*as.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Cursing, brief mention of alcohol, allusions to sexual activities, playful arguments. 
> 
> Turns out I just wanna write Everything now.
> 
> I should mention that a lot of this is inspired by Stop Juuling In The Archives Gerry by threefuckers try to right. The link will be HERE shortly.
> 
> Anyway for clarification The Gang has 3 gcs, one for the four highschoolers, one for the adults, and the Mixed group. This is because Bailey doesn't want to talk about illegal activities in front of the kids.

_ Tim Stoker has created the chat "Archive Work Chat" _

_ Tim Stoker has added Martin Blackwood, Jonathan Sims, Elmer Chester, and Sasha James.  _

Tim Stoker: Well folks, finally tracked you all down so here we are!

Elmer Chester: Ah. A group chat. Great. 

Jonathan Sims: Honestly, was this really necessary?

Tim Stoker: Yep! I wanted to organize a movie night, but since SOMEBODY never leaves his office I figured a group chat was in order.

Sasha James: You're not even trying to be subtle, Tim.

Elmer Chester: Stoker doesn't do subtle.

Tim Stoker: Nope! I'm a very direct person :) 

Martin Blackwood: Movie night sounds like a great idea!

Jonathan Sims: Can we discuss this after work?

Sasha James: We could. But will we?

Tim Stoker: Lmao no

Tim Stoker: I'm thinking Friday night?

Jonathan Sims: I will have to decline.

Elmer Chester: No thank you. 

Sasha James: You two are so boring, jeez. 

Martin Blackwood: Don't be rude Sasha!!!

Martin Blackwood: If they don't want to come, that's up to them. 

Tim Stoker: it's not an office get-together if not everyone comes!

Jonathan Sims: Upon further consideration, I may be able to make it after all.

Elmer Chester: Sasha leaned into his office and stared at him until he agreed lmao

Sasha James: You make it sound like he's scared of me.

Elmer Chester: He is. 

Jonathan Sims: I am not scared of Sasha, Elmer. 

Elmer Chester: Elm! Elm! For the Love of God do not call me Elmer!

Tim Stoker: Elmo, any reason you won't be joining us?

Elmer Chester: Okay, 1, Fuck You. 

Elmer Chester: 2, I already have plans. 

Tim Stoker: Wowo, Rude. 

Martin Blackwood: Oh, you do?

Elmer Chester: Robbie got tickets to some indie band so I'm going with him.

Sasha James: Oh? Who's this Robbie?

Elmer Chester: A friend. 

Tim Stoker: Wait, is the Robbie O'Connor from Research?

Elmer Chester: Yes. 

Tim Stoker: I didn't know you two were friends!

Elmer Chester: I've known him since I was a kid, Stoker. 

Martin Blackwood: Well, I hope you have fun! 

Tim Stoker: What band?

Elmer Chester: Idk, something punk-sounding. Not normally my speed buuuut...Robbie likes them so w/e.

Tim Stoker: 'Punk-sounding' that is so fucking vague. 

Sasha James: Did Robbie not tell you?

Elmer Chester: No? Why would he? He just asked if I wanted to go and I said yes.

Sasha James: What. 

Martin Blackwood: ????? You didn't even ask???

Elmer Chester: No point. I don't really care about the music. 

Tim Stoker: Then why go????

Elmer Chester: Idk

Elmer Chester: Now, can we please get back to work?

Jonathan Sims: Yes, please do. Sasha, how are those papers coming along?

Sasha James: Almost done.

Martin Blackwood: Tea, anyone?

Tim Stoker: Yes please!

Sasha James: Me too ^^^

Elmer Chester: No thanks. 

Jonathan Sims: I'd like some if it's not too much trouble?

Martin Blackwood: Alright then. 

  
  


**Jamie to Elmer Chester**

Jamie: Hello friend :D

Jamie: Nikki!!! Wants to know if you still have the Gun she gave you :D 

Elmer Chester; NO?! I GAVE THAT TO BAILEY WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KEEP THE GUN?

Jamie: no need to shout!!! 

Jamie: Anyways, Nikki said if you don't have the gun you can't go home!!!

Elmer Chester: What.

Jamie: There's a thing in your flat :D

Elmer Chester: WHAT THING

Elmer Chester: JAMIE? WHAT THING?!?!!

Elmer Chester: JAMIE GFDI WHAT IS IN THE FUCKING FLAT?

**The Gang But We Are The Monsters Under Your Bed ^_^**

I Do Not See: HEY??? WHERE IS JAMIE??? 

TheQueen: Sleeping on my couch, why?

I Do Not See: WHAT IS IN MY FLAT????

BowlingCore: Monster dog. 

I Do Not See: WHAT?!?

BowlingCore: It's a flesh hound lmao

I Do Not See: Ah, I see. Follow up question: 

I Do Not See: WHY IS THERE A FLESH HOUND IN MY FLAT?!?!

BowlingCore: It chased me there and now it won't leave lmao

I Do Not See: GET IT OUT????

BowlingCore: and fucking die? No thank you. 

BowlingCore: Bailey said she'd handle it :)

SpiderBastard: No??? I did not????

You'llFloatToo: I guess I can just toss into the Vast and hope it dies???

The Flesh Has No Rights: DID YOU SAY FLESH HOUND????????

I Will Kill A Bitch: And there she goes. Elena's got it apparently. 

BowlingCore: Thank you Elena :D

BugLover: Be careful!!!!! Stay safe!!! Take some centipedes with you!!! 

The Flesh Has No Rights: Will do!!! :) I'll text when it's gone Elm.

I Do Not See: Thank you!!

  
  


**Archive Work Chat**

Tim Stoker: So anyway, I had a truly cursed thought just now.

Elmer Stoker: Please don't share. 

Tim Stoker: Don't what?

Elmer Stoker: Share. 

Tim Stoker: Well, if you insist-

Elmer Stoker: WAIT NO DON'T YOU DARE

Sasha James: You walked right into that one :/

Tim Stoker: Catboy Elias. 

Martin Blackwood: Pardon my language but WHAT THE HELL TIM???

Elmer Chester: Delete that delete that delete that I hate that image why would you make me think about that

Jonathan Sims: You all are supposed to be working. 

Jonathan Sims: Ah. 

Jonathan Sims: Tim. 

Tim Stoker: Bonus image: Collar with a bell

Sasha James: Tim, I am begging you to stop before you get fired. 

Martin Blackwood: Why are you picturing our big boss in a collar???? Tim???? Huh?????

Tim Stoker: Wait. 

Tim Stoker: THAT IS NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE!!!!

Sasha James: Timothy Stoker are you....attracted to Elias???

Jonathan Sims: And here is where I have to ask that this conversation not happen during work hours. 

Martin Blackwood: Right, sorry!!

_ Scene Break _

_ Elmer Chester has changed Tim Stoker's name to ELIAS FUCKER _

ELIAS FUCKER: NO. 

Sasha James: I MEAN, COME ON MAN

Jonathan Sims: Now that is not something I ever wanted to consider. 

_ ELIAS FUCKER had changed their name to Tim  _

Tim: I DO NOT WANT TO SCREW OUR BOSS

Sasha James: Really?

Elmer Chester: You are the one he always calls to handle issues with HR when Jon is busy,,, and you get performance reviews more frequently,,, 

Tim: I DO NOT LIKE THOSE IMPLICATIONS

Martin Blackwood: Implications??? He straight up said that he thinks you're having an affair with our boss. 

Sasha James: MARTIN SKSKSVA9MAPAMAP

Elmer Chester: He went,,, for the throat,,,

Sasha James: THATS WHAT ELIAS SAID WHEJKALAMAAALSBIWNS al

Elmer Chester: Sasha are you okay????

Sasha James: Tim tried to snatch my phone>:(

Tim: THIS IS SLANDER!!!!

Jonathan Sims: It's not slander if the person believes the statement to be true. 

Tim: I-

Elmer Chester: Soooo, Tim....think you can get a raise out of it?

Tim: I AM. NOT. FUCKING. ELIAS. 

Elmer Chester: Whatever you say :)

Tim: What have I ever done to you?

Elmer Chester: Want a list?

Martin Blackwood: Okay, I think this has gone too far! Let's all calm down!

Sasha James: Yeah lmao. Tim get off ur phone and help me order this pizza

Tim: Yeah sure Sash one second.

Martin Blackwood: Have a good day everyone! I'm going to turn in. 

Elmer Chester: I'm leaving for the night. Jon get the fuck out of the office it's almost 9 pm

Jonathan Sims: I'll be fine. 

Martin Blackwood: You guys are still in the office????

Elmer Chester: I'm waiting for my ride 

Elmer Chester: He's LATE AGAIN. 

Elmer Chester: Have a good evening everyone. 

Jonathan Sims: I will be leaving shortly. 

Elmer Chester: That's a fucking lie but go off dude.

Elmer Chester: Martin ur lurking? I thought you were going to bed.

Martin Blackwood: I am! Night!

**The Gang But The Kids Are Not Present ^_^**

Lukewarm: Jack says to tell you all that whoever beamed Catboy Elias into his head can go fuck themselves.

Lukewarm: I would like to second that statement. I was almost falling asleep. 

You'll Float Too: I hate this image so fucking much that man is crusty cat boys should not be that old

Lukewarm: I hate the implications of it too like Jonah choosing a catboy body oN PURPOSE

Maneater: @TheQueen if you're the one who did this I'm breaking up with you istg

TheQueen: It was Elm. 

Lukewarm: I will fucking End you.

I Do Not See: BLAME TIM FOR HURTING ME LIKE THIS. IF I HAVE TO SUFFER DO DO Y'ALL

Bob The Builder: Hnnngh,,,, Hot Take

SpiderBastard: Please I beg of you do not say what you're about to say

You'll Float Too: Robbie Istg

Bob The Builder: Elias kinda fucks ngl????

Maneater: DELETE THAT

SpiderBastard; JIMMY MAGMA DOES NOT FUCK??? 

Suffocation: I hate this fucking family. 

BowlingCore: Hnnngh,,,,

TheQueen: I am begging you to shut the fuck up Cassidy

BowlingCore: He is kinda hot???

I Do Not See: NO. NO. FUCK THAT. DO NOT THIRST OVER MY EMPLOYER

Bob The Builder: Idk he's appealing in a twink kinda way,,, like he's evil but I'd smooch??? maybe???

Lukewarm: Please let me fucking kill him

You'll Float Too: I hate this entire conversation, I'm taking the rest of the week off.

SpiderBastard: Me too. Fuck it, I don't need this job.

TheQueen: G U Y S

SpiderBastard: FIRE ME COWARD. 

TheQueen: YOU OWN THE BUSINESS TOO BITCH????

Suffocation: WHY IS MY GIRLFRIEND THIRSTING OVER FUCKING EL*AS?!?!?

BowlingCore: He's sexy in a rat kind of way

Lukewarm: I'm deleting my account.

Maneater: I HATE THAT SO MUCH CASSIDY STFUUUUU

You'll Float Too: Okay, you know what it's better than that time Jamie said Simon Fairchild was kinda hot. 

TheQueen: EXCUSE ME?

SpiderBastard: Blocked. All of you, blocked. 

I Do Not See: I hate him. I hate her so much it fucking hurts. They suck ass. It's like they want me to die. She hates me, that's a hate crime, I have just been hatecrimed. 

Suffocation: SIMON IS LIKE 70???? JAMIE WHAT THE FUCK!!

Maneater: I Was drunk!!! Drunk!!!

Bob The Builder: This is kinda funny ngl

TheQueen: Everyone go to fucking bed and start over in the morning. 

I Do Not See: I hate this fucking family.

Bob The Builder: Wait

Bob The Builder: WHO THE FUCK IS JONAH????


End file.
